Creeping back into my life!

So I have been gone for a bit.

Ahem.

About that, I am sorry.

I realized I haven’t been keeping up with my promise to myself, which is to write and keep up with my blog.

I think the last time I wrote was over a year ago… seriously what the hell have I been up to that made me not keep my promise to myself?

LIFE.

Sometimes, you get thrown some shit and you honestly don’t know how to handle it.

For me, I feel like I shut down parts of my life and I am realizing I Need those parts!

I need my outlet and I am so tired of censoring myself that I can’t see straight… I am tired of censoring myself around others, on social media, in Life. All so I don’t “hurt anyone’s feelings”, yet I am stepping on my own feelings and putting them aside, and in some situations, for people who don’t give a damn about me or my feelings.

I have had some wild health issues that I’m still working out. As this goes to post I have a long awaited appointment with a neurologist!

I have had health issues pretty much all of my life so I roll with the punches.

This last round of fuckery has been a bit more than I have been accustomed to.

For over 20 years I dealt with autoimmune issues and I understood how to handle my body when it decided to rebel against me. I thought I could handle anything.

Boy was I wrong!

I’ve had things go so awry lately that I have been left muttering “what in the actual hell with” to myself.

I’ve been doing the doctor train where one doctor refers you to another doctor and so on… and everyone is a specialist so that’s extra as is blood, new medications – freaking injections I had to give Myself… so yeah I got a bit inside of myself and my feelings of sorrow for myself.

We also adopted a dog in the middle of this maos of my life.

The boy asked for only a few things for Christmas in his letter to Santa…

A puppy, a Spiderman Homecoming action figure, an IronMan action figure and for his family to feel better.

And I know we won’t have the magic of Santa too much longer, he’s 8 almost 9, and we wanted a dog since ours passed 5 years ago.

He has several family members that have health issues, including me, so this really touched me. I have feelings!

I am such a sucker! HA!  Meet Pi, named for the Greek Pi symbol on his chest, and it just stuck!

I share this because getting a young dog is like having a child. For Real. If that offends you, then I’m not sorry and since I have both and it’s my blog, this is what I was referring to above… done with censorship of myself!

But I love my boys… they are pretty cute!

And I think with that I will end this here for now…

Definitely more to come!

I’ve kept my domain and started more blogs which I haven’t been able to do.

This is exciting!

Keep Hope Alive!

Two pairs of shoes for one

This photo speaks volumes.

Two pairs of shoes.

Same size for the same boy.

It’s transition time.

He goes from mommy’s to dad’s.

I do everything to make it easy for him.

Sometimes he doesn’t want to go.

He doesn’t always want to leave me, but he loves his dad.

I assure him we both love him and want to spend time with him.

There is something about our bond.

Mother and son.

It isn’t something I can easily articulate.

He was born an old soul.

I saw it in his eyes as I held him in my arms those first nights, alone with him at the hospital.

Just this creature I gave birth to, myself and the kind nurses.

No matter how great my pain, I wanted him with me every time they brought him in from the nursery.

I Knew I would do Everything in my power to protect him.

I didn’t realize how hard that would be, but somehow this child that I created understands.

He knows that I will Love him No Matter What.

He’s learned that life and people are not perfect firsthand.

Including me.

He’s seen more than many children his age because he Sees.

He’s seen death, divorce and sadness.

He has Always known Love from his village.

And his mother.  

I am proud of how well he handles life.

His compassion and love of others.

His love of farting and being his crazy boy self.

The songs in his head and dance moves in his soul.

His amazing imagination and abilities to draw what he sees in his mind.

I love this child with my whole being.

But those shoes, they undo me.

He sees me smile and encourage him to have fun, love and enjoy his time with his other family.

He knows I miss him more than I will ever say.

I tell him I am in his heart and always with him.

I wait until he’s back in my arms again for my time.

My life isn’t perfect, but it is full with love.

Finding my way back to hope

There are so many times in life when you just are going along, enjoying life and being content where you are when something changes your whole way of thinking and feeling,

For me it is like shaking up my senses. It allows me to see where I was slacking and what I want but somehow lost sight of. Because of my relationship with Murphy, of Murphy’s Law, it usually presents challenges most would chose to decline from. But sometimes, I just can’t ignore that feeling in my gut that says, “If you don’t try, you will regret it.”

So again, I find myself in a place where I am challenging the way I think. Where I question my contentment and wonder why I was settling for a ho-hum existence. Not that I was dull, just not as shiny as I know I can be. How finding one thing made me look at many things and realize, I am still living and I am constantly evolving.

I realized I was losing what I didn’t think I could lose… hope. My motto is Keep Hope Alive, yet I was allowing it to wither because I chose to settle thinking I would eventually find that which fuels my fire.

Oh how dense my mind can be. I should know better. If I ask the universe enough my answers come to me. My needs come. It may not be in the time frame that I want or when things are all rosy and perfect, but I have learned to never turn away a gift from the universe.

With all of the maos in the world and the uncertainties in my life, I feel I am finding my place again and my people. I am finding the ying to my yang. I am finding that the boy is growing up and showing a wisdom and insight that amazes me and scares me a little bit too.

Life keeps moving. It changes but it never stops.

I know I won’t stop either.

Keep Hope Alive!

Crawling out

Sometimes I just have to remember who I am and what I need to keep going. It’s been so long since I have written anything here and I feel like I don’t even know where to start.

I can get lost in looking to see what my last post was. I get lost with the 20 something other writings I have going on. All of them are close to me. Some are too close and some the memories and feelings I still am working though.

I’ve written volumes on loss. It seems this year has held more than enough loss for me and mine.

Loss of family and friends seemingly out of the blue has left me out of sorts.

It has brought the boy and I so much closer. His loss is different than mine but it is still loss and takes an emotional toll.

It has made me look hard at myself and see more clearly where I need to take action.

It has made me grieve my lack of action on relationships of those I cherish but I can’t seem to find or make time to connect with. The frustrating part is those I try and need to communicate with don’t reciprocate and I am left in a frustrated funk that I make myself climb out of.

I deserve a damn Emmy or Oscar or whatever for my performances of “I am doing okay” but yet I still chant my mantra of Keep Hope Alive.

This is not a pitty party. This is me climbing back out and making myself write again. I will not allow myself to sink any further.

Plus the boy has asked me why I don’t work at night anymore writing. I told him I thought he didn’t like me working at night. Even though it is usually after he is in bed and he would prefer I lay down with him for a bit! And then he told me that since I wasn’t writing as much, I don’t seem to be as happy. Like whatever I was typing or writing, the bad stuff gets out and I can shine again.

The whole out of the mouths of babes thing is so true. He sees where I am lacking and how I need to get around to it. He notices many things most adults miss.

So this is my pledge of at least once a week to write.

I have so much started, now I just need to finish and do it. Doing so will allow the rest of it to come out. To fall into the world.

I am crawling out of the tangles of my mind.

In the interim, please remember to tell those you love how you feel. Make the phone call or visit. Remember we all bleed the same. We are all members of the human tribe.

Keep Hope Alive.

Life always keeps moving

Life definitely keeps on moving. Even when one life stops, the rest keep on moving. Some not as fast as others. Some closer to stopping with every breath. Yet others thrive and others get by pretty decently. Life always finds a way.

For me, life has moved both too fast and too slow lately. I know that I feel like I’ve been running races, and I do not run unless I am being chased or chasing a child for some odd reason!

My dear friend invited me to join a 30 day blogging challenge and although I failed miserably at blogging every day for 30 days, she did help me find my way back to blogging. I needed that. I can truly never thank her enough. Not that I wouldn’t have written ever again, but I just needed that kick to get going again!

So to those awesome folks who follow my blog, I have so much to say in the upcoming days, weeks and hopefully months and years.

Because life has, as always, provided me with more material than my blogging self can keep up with. Of course I have written in my journal, notebooks, post its and basically written a line or two about pretty much everything over the last 45 plus days!

The last 30 days of my life have been more challenging and emotional than I have had to deal with at once in a very long time. Some things I have handled well, others, well life can be raw and hard at times and remind you how fragile your very existence is at all times. We don’t always react and respond the way we’d like to. I can honestly say that I have completely lost my shit at times when I wish I had handled a situation with a bit more grace. But that is it though. Life isn’t always pretty. It’s not always pink and purple flowers, rainbows and unicorn farts no matter how much some would like to pretend it is. Sometimes life slaps you in the face and knocks you on your ass. Sometimes you have to crawl a long way before you can get back up. But it keeps moving. Life always keeps moving!

I hope that everyone has a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

Changes happen whether you want them or not

One doesn’t always know what is going to happen. You may have an idea, an inkling, a feeling or you may think everything is “just fine and dandy” and out of the blue KA-POW! Change hits you like you were not expecting it to. Dealing with that change can be a game changer in life as I know first hand!

Right now, in this very moment, I am going through some crazy changes in my life. I’ve got so many irons in the fires and had fires go out that trying to navigate from one minute to the next can be exhausting.

I’m a free spirited, OCD, single mom of The Boy. I am a romantic, realist, spiritualist, friend, sister, daughter, lover, girlfriend, human being. I am so many things that there isn’t a way to list them all without sounding arrogant or that I am touting my own self worth… Yet it seems that in today’s society I must “choose” a box for who I am to fit inside of. I don’t fit into any box.

Hello, we are constantly changing! Some days in small ways and others in larger ways. Employment, living, relationships, health, heart – all of these can change in an instant. At other times, it is in moments. They may take days, weeks or months to culminate into something larger, grander and maybe even change the course of one’s outlook on a certain aspect for the duration of ones life. Or maybe only for a short time. But it definitely changes the perspective in which we observe, respond and react to life.

These are the thoughts and ramblings in my mind. Daily. It’s an interesting place to dwell,

Keep hope alive!

 

I’m here so why not…

I have been writing. On notepad, post it’s, my journal and in my mind but just not here.

Life has been so real, so raw lately that I have thoughts and questions. I have opinions and epiphanies, but I haven’t been able to blog. It’s like writers blog but on a larger scale.

My amazing, I can’t believe she’s still cheering us on because she’s just awesome friend, is the one who got me back. I so owe her. I had been letting a part of myself fall away without realizing it. It to a #30dayblogchallenge to get me to write finally. You should check her out! Talk about an inspiration. This is someone I completely just admire and love. We’ve known each other a long time but until recently, I didn’t realize how precious of a human being she is! Just one of those blessed moments when I Truly needed it! https://throughsinaisand.blog/

Life, death, taxes, changes in relationships on so many level, some not so good, some downright craptastic and some, well some are miracles when you get down to it. Life is happening and I have to face that. Even when there are loved ones on their way out of this journey of life. Life goes on. How I choose to handle it is up to me. Some days I do all right, and other days, well, I try to not look to hit or smell poorly!

After all this is The Ride. Most days I love the ride. Some days I just need to slow down to figure out where I am on the ride.

Keep Hope Alive.

Remember to hug your family and friends if you can. Tell people how you feel. You never know when the last time is.

April 15th is another date on the calendar of our lives

I hear it everywhere, April 15th is a hard day…. I don’t know if I will make it.

Whether it’s taxes due, another day, or a day that is marked in your life – good or bad – it is also just another date in the calendar of our lives.

So my taxes are done – I felt like I should seriously shout that from the rooftops, however the getting up and down part aren’t as easy as it once was! For me, it’s just tedious and irritating but a necessary evil! But I did it! I rock! HA!

Today is also a weird “anniversary” if you will for me. I was married to someone I truly loved. They will always be a part of who I have become, but I realized this year that it’s been 13 years and our divorce was finalized on April 15th. It’s not a date I celebrate or openly acknowledge most of the time. But I realized it’s part of the fabric of who I am.

If not, please find a way to relax this evening! Everyone needs to relax a bit and everyone forgets!

I plan to hang with the boy!

So today, I hope your day is beautiful, peaceful and stress free.

Keep Hope Alive!

Freedom to be me again

Freedom to be me. Finally, at long last. It is about damn time!

I am tired of censoring everything.

This is my place to write.

I have so many irons in the fire and yet I haven’t produced a lot on here so it’s about time I got off my ass and wrote!

Lately, it has been a hell of a ride and I am still going!

I realize I just need to suck it up and take action! My mind never stops and if I can’t sleep I can write at least. I may be able to keep myself somewhat sane-ish

I have so much material from life! Lately it seems as if I am making notes daily. Endings. Beginnings. The cycle of life. Karma.

I am one stubborn woman and sometimes I am too nice. I pour myself into situations and loose bits of myself. I have no one to blame but myself.

I want to be angry, and trust me I can be, but sometimes the anger needs to be channeled properly to give it the fuel it needs to start the fire.

Misplaced anger is a dangerous thing!

So I am back into my writing and you, my fabulous readers, will be in for a treat!

I know it’s a bit sporadic, but I am back into the saddle!

Of course, I will over censor myself and my work but I realized in the middle of all of the chaos, I have to write.

I cannot help it if you strolled into my world and chose to be a part of it.

You became part of the fabric of who I am or shall I say how I now view things.

Good or bad I am only going for the truth and how I see things from my perspective.

How it is perceived once it is out there is how it is!

Fabulous Gracelessness is back y’all!

C’est la vie!

Have a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

 

Ramblings in the middle of the week

“You have to be honest with someone because if you’re not, you can’t feel their heart anymore.” The Boy, Wise beyond his 5 years.

 

I really have to thank my friend for challenging us to write for 30 days.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged anything.

I felt like I couldn’t write on my own damn page.

I felt somewhat crippled by all that was going on in my life and putting anything out here would be misconstrued, used against me or poured over for some obscure meaning that has nothing to do with anything other demented delusions.

I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of writing and putting my thoughts and feelings “out there”.  

I never stopped writing of course. That isn’t an option for me! I have always written in journals and my hiatus from blogging was due to my hesitation to share any of my life publically. My journal is overflowing so of course I have topics… lots and lots of topics!

I often reflect, observe and replay my life over in my mind. I go through situations, conversations and emotions, both my own and others.

I often over analyze why I do certain things and react in certain ways.

In a nut shell, I may seem bat shit crazy, however, I try to be loyal, compassionate and honest with folks. More so with those I love and respect. I am just me.

I am happy to be back!

Keep hope alive for a fabulous Wednesday!

 

**Special shout out to my boy WD celebrating the big 21 today! So proud to be your crazy auntie!**